PrintBy Shawn McKee
Staff Writer
We lived in a hyper-sexualized society where “sex sells” seems to be the mantra. If you watch TV, go to the movies, pick up a magazine or hit the Internet, you’re bombarded with sexual images and messages. It would seem that people everywhere are constantly having hot sex.
Aren’t you?
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The reality, of course, is that sex often takes a back seat to work and family responsibilities. After a long day of work, carting your kids around and cooking dinner, it’s easy to trade your intimate time for another 20 minutes of sleep.
“Life has gotten very complicated, particularly for women,” says Roz Van Meter, AASECT certified sex therapist and author of Sizzling Sex in 30 Days. “After you finish your various roles during the day as wife, mother and employee, by the time you get to the bedroom you’re exhausted.”
Often, we let work or family obligations take priority over love, leaving little time to be intimate, which can lead down a slippery slope toward losing that love connection.
“You have to make the time. Just like finding the time to exercise, you have to find the time for love,” Van Meter says. “You have to nurture your relationship like a plant. Pay attention — the whole book is about paying attention to each other and yourself.”
Sex can be a source of great joy or great frustration in a relationship, depending on how you communicate with each other. You have to respect the fact that you and your partner may have different libidos and may need to compromise, says Van Meter. You need to be able to talk about what you want and what you like.
To help you bring the sizzle back to your sex life, Van Meter gives a few of the tips from her book, which she explains started as a tip booklet for her clients and turned into “an owner’s manual for people looking for sexual fulfillment.”
Don’t take sex so seriously. People get so focused on the act of sex that they miss the connection — the closeness, fun and playfulness. Sex should be fun, not a chore on your to-do list.
Rediscover each other as sexy grownups. Before you were parents, you were lovers. Make time to be intimate; be open with each other and explore like teenagers — kissing, touching and caressing like you’re in high school.
Use your five senses for seduction. You can use food as an aphrodisiac, music to set the mood, candles for erotic aromas and sexy lingerie for visuals to bring the most pleasure to your physical touching. Be creative and stimulate all your senses for the most satisfaction.
What’s your fantasy? Does your lover know about it? Whether it’s role play or hot candle wax, share it with your partner — even if you never plan to physically act on it. Van Meter recommends framing the question this way: “I’ve always wanted to try (insert sexy desire), are you willing to try (erotic fantasy)?”
Communicate. Talk about what you want and what bothers you. Use “I” statements for things that bother you instead of “You” statements that point the blame. Saying, “You never do your share of the chores,” will make your partner defensive. Whereas saying, “I would really like more help around the house because I can’t do it all alone,” can lead to a more open dialog.
Foreplay begins right after breakfast. Don’t wait until you get into the bedroom to start wooing your lover. Send sexy emails or text messages; make a phone call to tell your lover you’re thinking about how sexy they are and get them rushing home much faster than a message that says, “Please pick up milk.” Let your lover know you are thinking about them.
Whether you were a close couple before and want to get it back, are losing your connection or are in the early stages of your relationship, Van Meter emphasizes making each encounter about the quality of the experience and not the quantity.
“Slow down and take the time to enjoy your love,” she says.
For more information, visit Sizzling Sex in 30 Days.
Do you have a sex, love or relationship question? Email it here to be answered in an upcoming article by Roz Van Meter.
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