Stress & Emotions

I am deeply committed to my boyfriend and do not entice the attention of other men. However, he becomes abnormally agitated any time I greet a member of the opposite sex. He criticizes my natural openness and friendliness and my clothing, although I always dress professionally. He always thinks I am "checking out" other men.

He admits he has a problem with this. Some insignificant situation will completely set him off. One moment, we are sitting at an awards ceremony for his colleagues; the next, he is accusing me of having an interest in one of them because he thought I clapped more for one than the others. How can I deal more effectively with this problem?

Answer:
Jealousy is a very common issue in relationships, and the problems it presents are not easy to resolve. Jealousy has deep roots, often in the lack of parental affection early in life or in later experiences of loss of or rejection by a loved one. Both kinds of experience can breed enduring insecurity in relationships and undermine the capacity for trust.

At first, jealousy in a partner may feel good. It can make you feel wanted and appealing. But as you are discovering, it quickly becomes a prison --and a potentially dangerous one at that; it drastically restricts your freedom, putting you under a constant cloud of suspicion for innocent interactions. Jealousy is commonly the driving force behind psychological, verbal and even physical abuse.

Jealousy is a sign that a person feels threatened. In emotional panic over threatened loss, some people do dangerous things. The fear makes them actually misperceive innocent social situations, viewing every glance or conversation with an outsider as absolute proof of abandonment. Then, they feel tremendous anger over what they see as a betrayal.

Though jealousy often incites aggression, it arises from a sense of personal weakness, not of strength. It occurs because a person fears losing a partner who is important to his (or her) sense of self. Abuse becomes an attempt to eliminate doubt.

Your friend means it when he says he loves you. But the fear of abandonment sets off such primitive alarms that he goes into an emotional panic. It isn't your openness or your dress style that sets him off. It's his demand for complete possession that is making him act so irrationally.

Without rubbing his nose in the emotional frenzy he works himself into, try talking calmly to your boyfriend about it. You might be able to effect some change. Of course, the middle of a jealous tirade is no time for the kind of conversation you need. And whatever you do, avoid arguments and don't get defensive about your own behavior.

You might tell your boyfriend that there are some things you do that obviously get him upset. And you don't like upsetting him any more than he likes being upset. Ask him what behavior of yours bothers him most. Is it talking to any other male? Is it worrying about who you are talking to at work? Focus, for now, on just one behavior.

Tell him in a kind and loving way how his reactions make you feel -- how they scare you and how restrictive they feel.

Then, jointly -- the key is jointly -- create a set of rules that you can both live by, rules that will satisfy both you and him. Be creative; you did say this is a relationship you want to save. If he feels that he has some control over the situation, it may avert a volcanic eruption next time.

You aren't going to solve the problem completely in one discussion -- or in 10. You will have to revisit this issue often and keep moving the boundary until he feels comfortable; it won't be easy under the best of circumstances. But you will learn an important message: Love doesn't automatically solve all of life's problems, although over time -- with a great deal of patience and understanding from you -- his worst fears can be subdued. If he is worth keeping, it is worth taking the first step down the path to change.

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Labels: emotions, jealousy, love, lovelife tips, relationships, stress